Dietician & Psych Evals

Hey guys! This past week was full of lap band fun! Tuesday I met with the dietitian, Thursday with the psychologist and Saturday went to an awesome seminar put on by said psychologist. All 3 appointments were required by my insurance as well as my surgeon's practice and I am glad they were! I really do love how my surgeon's practice makes this journey not just about "surgery". It really is taking a wholistic approach to weight loss.

First off, the appointment with the dietician was not as good as I was hoping. I think it was because I really didn't not care for the dietician herself. She was awkward and did not communicate well. She kept making everything into a joke and spoke like a  Valley Girl (like, totally!) But most of all, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I need to stop drinking pop and eat more fruits and veggies!?!? No way, really?!?! I don't mean to be rude or negative about it. I really would like to see another dietitian sometime. I was looking forward to learning more and I guess I am just disappointed.

On an opposite note, I really enjoyed the visit with the psychologist! 99.9% of my weight issues are mental and behavioral. And this doctor was much more my style! The first hour was spent taking the psychological evaluation. That consisted of what seemed like an endless array of true/false questions that ranged from "I would enjoy being a journalist" to "I hear voices that tell me to do bad things". Haha! It was so random and at times super entertaining! I guess I answered correctly cause the results weren't mentioned...

The next half hour or so I spent talking with the psychologist. This was super beneficial and I really enjoyed that interaction. He asked me a lot of questions about myself and about my relationship with food. We went over my concerns about having the surgery. He said that he thinks I may struggle with the maintenance of it. He worries that I have a tendancy to get bored or lazy with things and that may sabotage my long term progress. He hit the nail right on the head with that one! We talked about ways I can help overcome that, like being an active participant in the support groups and behavioral seminars. Being in a leadership role helps me to stay motivated and accountable so we talked about me becoming a speaker after the surgery and being one of the "spokes-people" for the surgery. That makes me very excited and less nervous. Knowing that there are more ways for me to get involved and perhaps someday helping others really excites me.

Jake and I also went to a behavioral seminar held by the psychologist yesterday morning. The topic was "Eating Patterns and Behaviors". We talked about the reasons why we eat the way we do and that much of it stems from how we were raised. I identified that maybe a reason why I love fast food so much is that when I was a kid, getting McDonald's or pizza or something for dinner was a special "treat", reserved for nights when my parents would go out. Just an interesting thought. Luckily my parents were never the kind to make us "clean our plates cause there are starving children in Africa". Seems like a lot of people grew up like that and that's a big issue for them as an adult. Lots of people are engrained to finish all their food even if they are no longer hungry.

Anyways, this has been a ridiculously long post. I will try to write more often and try to stick to one topic per post ; )

Thanks for reading!!!

Last Meal Syndrome

Hey guys! This past week has been an all out binge fest. No bueno indeed. Since my decision to go forward with Lapband surgery, I have decided that I need to eat all of my favorite crap since I will most likely never be able to eat like this ever again. McDonalds, full-fat Starbucks drinks, ice cream, steak, brunch, pasta, chewy white breads, fast food anything......oh I have been really bad. Part of me realizes that this is the worst idea ever, but another part of me (the really unhealthy side of me) thinks this is necessary. In all reality I really should be starting my journey with food now and learning to eat smaller portions, stick to high protein/low carb options, chew thoroughly and drink lots of water. Soon enough I will be launched into a liquid only diet and wont be able to eat "normal" food for months and never again eat the obsuredly large quantities of food that I typically consume. I know that it will make that transition a hell of lot easier if I ease into it slowly instead of eating like an asshole right up until the pre-op diet (2 weeks of liquids only). Tuesday is my first appointment with the practice's Dietician. I'll learn all about the banded "diet" and hopefully be inspired to start early on the better choices. Wish me luck!

BTW... Today is mine and Jake's One Year Anniversary (lots of celebrating with food). Here is a pick from our dinner last night. I have cropped out Jake per his request. He was not a fan of how he looked in the pic. I am definitely not a fan of how I look in this pic either. It is actually one of the worse ones I've taken in a while. But the purpose of this blog is to bare all, so here you go. This will make a good "before" pic =)

Progress!

Oh hey guys! Look at me posting within days and not MONTHS of my last post! Hope you're proud of me =D

Today I told 3 people about my Lap Band surgery decision....one of my best friends, a co-worker and my Sister-in-Law. Prior to today only 3 people knew, my husband, my Momma and my boss (since I'll need to be late to work next week for my Dietitian and Psych Eval appointments). I must say that it has been very difficult telling people. It's really weird because usually I am an open book and tell everyone everything, maybe even too much. But this is a bit more difficult. I guess I am really worried about what people will think. To me, I feel like it is me admitting failure or laziness. I feel like people will think "why are you doing something so extreme? Why don't you just try sticking to a diet for more than a day?" Most people just don't get it. And I do not expect them to. Unless you are morbidly obese with over 100 lbs to lose, it hard to understand. Luckily my SIL was amazingly supportive and excited for me. She was cautious and concerned and asked a ton of awesome questions. She was super impressed that I had an educated response to every one of her questions. I definitely have done my research people! She told me she was proud of me for making this huge (and not easy) decision and for really understanding fully what I am doing. I'm proud of me too. I've really enjoyed all the research I've done and learning from so many lap-banders what this journey will entail. That is why I am doing this blog. I hope that someday others will read this blog and learn more about this surgery and all that goes into it. 

So far, I have gone to a 4 hour weight-loss surgery seminar given by the bariatric surgery practice that I will be having the procedure done at. I have also met with my surgeon for a personal consultation. Luckily I really like him, and do not have to interview more surgeons. He knows his stuff, and the practice is a Center of Excellence (for those looking for a surgeon/practice, this is a MUST) and the top rated bariatric center in Illinois. I feel 100% confident that I will be in experienced and talented hands. For anyone in the Chicagoland area, I highly recommend the Suburban Surgery Care Center (aka Kane Center) for your surgery. They also perform Sleeve, Gastric Bypass and Duodenal Switch procedures. I love that they don't push any particular surgery on you and really work with you to determine the best procedure for your individual needs.

My next step is an appointment with their staff Dietitian as well as the psychiatric evaluation. Both of these visits are required by the practice as well as by my insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield). I'm excited for both appointments to learn more about what to expect pre-op and post-op, as well as beginning to learn how to deal with not only the physical outcomes of this surgery, but also the mental and emotional ones. Those appointments are next week Tuesday and Thursday. I will be sure to post after each! After those appointments, they will submit my request for surgery to my insurance company for approval. I really hope the approval process goes easy. I have heard horror stories of insurance companies denying people and making them jump through hoops for approvals. Luckily I have also heard that BCBSIL is one of the easiest insurance companies to get approval from. Most usually get approval in days. Here's hoping that is the case for me!

Well that's all for now. I'll keep you all (whoever you all are, even if it is just an internet void so far) posted as the days progress!

Laterz!!!

                                          Me and my lovely, wonderful, supportive and encouraging Sister-in-Law <3

Third Time's a Charm!?

Alrighty then!

Here I am again. Now 4 months since the last post. And another 5 lbs heavier. I am seeing a pattern here.....

I just published that post even though it wasn't complete (hence the abrupt ending, sorry about that). It just goes to show how truly frustrating this pesky weight loss problem is. I constantly start something new and constantly fail at achieving my goal. Since that last post I have started and stopped Weight Watchers approximately 7 times. I re-joined the gym. And I stopped going to the gym. And I officially gained a dress size. Writing these last few sentences is hard. Really hard. It is basically like spray painting I AM A BIG FAT FAILURE across the side of a building. I achieve so much in so many other parts of my life, why can't I succeed at this? *Moment of reflection and self-pity*

Ok. Not that I got that out of the way....... You must be wondering what I have to post now. Yet another declaration of motivation and determination that will just lead to another pity party of failure (if it even gets posted)? I promise you that is not what this post is about (at least I hope). Yes it is a post that is to mark a new beginning. However, I am not motivated and determined. I am not celebrating a minimal weight loss or a good run of exercise. Nope. I am actually scared shitless. I am full of self doubt. I'm desperately trying to not predict my likely failure (although my mind wanders that way quite often). However, I also now see a glimmer of hope. Yes, a tiny sliver of true hope that in one years time I will actually be a resident of One-derland. What, you ask, is causing this new found leap of faith? Well.......I, ladies and gentlemen, have made the decision to undergo weight loss surgery. Yep. There it is. Surgery to help lose weight. Gastric Banding surgery to be exact. You may have heard it called Lap-Band Surgery. I have not come to this decision lightly, and continue to obsessively research all there is to know about the procedure, including what to expect pre-op and what my life will be like post-op. There is a ton of information out there, and I have learned that this will be a 100% complete life-style change. It is quite a process. And honestly just a REALLY BIG F-ING DEAL! 

And that is why I write to you today. I hope to use this blog as an outlet and a diary of sorts to document the monumental journey I am about to embark on. I have come across several blogs while partaking in my research, and have felt such solace in reading about the journeys of women who have begun before me. So on top of the purely selfish reasons for me writing this blog, I truly hope to provide help and insight to others who may be considering this journey. (I promise to find some new words for journey =P)

Thanks for reading!
Jess

17 months later......

So.....yeah. Whoops.

I guess all those big plans and motivation didn't really amount to much (story of my life). As you can see there is approximately 17 months between when I wrote that first post and now. I don't think I even published it. (Or maybe I did, I'm new to this blog stuff). But I wrote the post in January of 2012. Today it is June 14, 2013. I wish I could tell you all that I have made it to One-der Land, made it to my 100 lb goal, had a beautiful wedding as a skinny bride (well I guess one thing is true, the wedding was BEAUTIFUL). But sadly, no. None of those things are true. In fact I am 18 lbs heavier and a full dress size bigger. Ugh. That is so disappointing to write. It's so very frustrating to think that if I would have just stuck with it consistently, I could have had the health and fabulous body I've wanted since I began this struggle over 5 years ago. Instead I sit here today weighing the heaviest I ever have, with the worst self image I have ever had.

But that is enough feeling sorry for myself! I actually stumbled upon this dusty blog of mine by accident. I was leaving a comment on another blog that I love (Runs for Cookies.....check it out!), and had to sign into Blogger to leave the comment. I noticed my name was still showing my maiden name, so I went to update my profile, and wallah! "My Trip to One-der Land" appeared out of nowhere, all lonely and neglected. I read that first post, and the feeling I had that day that I wrote it came flooding back. It was a feeling of a bit of determination and also desperation. I needed to do something, anything to help me finally stick to the journey of successful weight loss. Honestly, I have to say that feeling never really went anywhere. It's exhausting to constantly have these feelings of desperation to lose weight while also having an internal battle with food and laziness. Seriously.....utterly ex-haust-ing.